The transcript below is from the video “Jean Claude Van Damme vs Steven Seagal: Bloodsport and Above The Law JCVD” by Space Ice.

Space Ice:

Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal were two of the biggest action stars of the 80s and 90s. But who really was the best? We’re going to compare their breakout movies Bloodsport and Above the Law to declare a winner.

Space Ice:

Round 1: The Better Physique

Both of these men have incredible physiques and it was very difficult to pick a winner. While Steven Seagal successfully pulls off the human ostrich look, he’s just barely edged out by Van Damme’s resemblance to a Greek god.

Van Damme 1 – Seagal 0

Space Ice:

Round 2: The Best Fight

Van Damme takes on Chong Li, the reigning Kumite champion and is blinded. He still manages to catch strikes while putting on an aerial display of jumping spin kicks and jump splits. Steven Seagal has a bar fight where he slaps guys with his forearm. Another close one, but Van Damme’s is just much much more impressive.

Van Damme 2 – Seagal 0

Space Ice:

Round 3: The Better Runner

In Bloodsport, Van Damme does what can only be described as strutting while running. Just look how cool he looks posing and wearing that awesome jacket and smiling away. His running actually makes me happy. Oh, Van Damme, you crazy trickster. In Above the Law, the closest thing Steven Seagal does to running is whatever the hell this is. It definitely doesn’t make me happy. It does make me feel better about my own running though. Despite that, this is an easy point for Van Damme.

Van Damme 3 – Seagal 0

Space Ice:

Round 4: Best Show Of Emotion

In Bloodsport, Van Damme befriends the very awesome Ray Jackson. During the most intense moment of the movie, the villain needlessly injures him in front of Van Damme and you can just see the pain in his eyes that could bring a statue to tears. In Above the Law, this is the only point I was able to find where Steven Seagal’s facial expression changed. I’ll play in slow motion so you can see it. There, right there. Well, that is far outside Seagal’s normal acting range. I have to award the point to Van Damme.

Van Damme 4 – Seagal 0

Space Ice:

Round 5: Better Opponents

Bloodsport has Van Damme squaring off against a variety of unique and interesting characters. There’s the Sumo wrestler, the Muay Thai fighter, the cheater, a guy who really can’t back up his threats and obviously, Chong Li. In Above the Law Steven Seagal’s opponents are so bad, he somehow holds them up when they have him completely outgunned and outnumbered, five to one. They decide that after they’re all disarmed, now is the time to attack. What the hell is wrong with you guys? Van Damme gets the point in a landslide.

Van Damme 5 – Seagal 0

Space Ice:

Round 6: The Best Move

Steven Seagal is riding on top of the bad guy’s vehicle for some reason and does a very impressive window smash, before choking out the passenger. It works, I guess. In Bloodsport, Van Damme does the “demak”, where he slams his hand down on a pile of bricks and makes the bottom brick completely explode while leaving all the others unscratched.

Van Damme 6 – Seagal 0

And the final round.

Space Ice:

Round 7: The Better Story

The story in Above the Law is a Chicago cop and former CIA operative who uncovers a conspiracy or something. I don’t really know. It’s hard to follow and nobody really cares. The story of Bloodsport is Van Damme is in an underground fighting tournament and he kicks lots of ass.

2 points for Van Damme.

Space Ice:

So, the final tally after 7 rounds is: Van Damme 8 – Seagal 0, making Van Damme the victor. Congratulations Jean-Claude. You earned it!

Winner – Jean-Claude Van Damme