The transcript below is from the video “Kung Fu Fools & Martial Art Fails” by 10 Favorite Things.

10 Favorite Things (YouTube Channel That Features Top Ten Videos):

Welcome back YouTubers and YouTubettes. Today we have a very special episode. How special? Well if a special episode created a special episode for another special episode, this would be that episode. Yes, it’s that special. Today we’re going to explore the exciting world of martial arts by razzing on some awful kung fu fools. So, put on your ninja slippers and throw on some Chuck Norris pyjamas because here we go.

Tom Cameron:

“Good afternoon. My name is Tom Cameron. I’m a 7th degree black belt in taekwondo. I’m a 4th degree in Hapkido. And I also have black belts in several other different art styles.”

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Personally, I don’t trust any martial arts instructor who can’t even defend himself against a Big Mac attack, let alone another person. This Chuck Porridge needs an extra black belt just to hold up that Panda Express gut of his. He’s got more rolls than a bakery. Now let’s see what old Sensei Snacks has to say.

Tom Cameron:

“The thing that sets our art apart is the fact that we do use energy projection as well as sound. But the sound…okay, thank you. But the sound to get the energy in the room moving towards me is actually the word, ‘mi’. So, if he resists, resist, and I say, ‘mi’, he’s not able to resist me any longer. This, the energy actually forces him towards me.”

“I can fight it. She can’t get me. But if she uses that word…” (Assistant says, ‘mi’)

“She actually was able to pull, pull me off my feet.”

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Now I have to admit, I don’t know much about kung fu or martial arts or anything like that, so I decided to bring in an expert. What do you think of this martial arts technique?

(Character from a movie laughs heartily.)

Tom Cameron:

“Samantha’s going to try for her first time, to actually knock me out using just the sound and the energy projection.”

(They demonstrate it.)

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I’m going to go out on a limb here and say probably the toughest fight he’s ever had, is to button his pants in morning, because that is one whale of a belly. But I’m not just about criticism, nope. I also have a solution for him and the perfect solution for this guy is self-defence aerobics.

Gloria Yeager:

“Hi! I’m Gloria Yeager and welcome to aerobics self-defence. It could save your life.”

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Would you look at this poor lady. Everywhere she goes, some creepazoid is grabbing her…I’m going to take a guess and say that she’s from Hollywood, an actress and all these people work for Harvey, but I don’t know. Is it too much too soon? Is it? But hey, not to worry, now she can jazzercise her way out of any dangerous situation.

Roland Tseng:

“Pressing that into the groin, as he attacks you from the rare. Now what she’s used is for a rear attack.” (Demonstration.)

“Budding used in aerobics self dense is to escape from a rear attack.”

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To escape from a rear attack. No comment. No, I…that one’s just too easy. It’s too easy. I can’t. (Laughs) Oh, man.

Roland Tseng:

“When you bud, make sure that you keep your knees bent and you lean forward.” (Demonstration)

“It can also be done to the groin. As she does this, you can use this to escape from both the rear attack and front attack.”

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The only time this would be a great self defense is, I think if Richard Simmons attacked you.

Richard Simmons:

“Reach higher. Reach for your goal.”

“Four. Five. Six. Seven. Shoulder roll. Good.”

Roland Tseng:

“It’s called, ‘Slapping’.”

Gloria Yeager:

“Slapping is used for front attack. And you could slap somebody in the ears, temple, eyes, nose, kidney, groin.” (Demonstrates)

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I know, I know. Slapping sounds pretty ridiculous. But watch when it’s put into real life action by Grandmaster Ricky. Nothing to it. Just a little tappy tap and the eyes pop out.

I think volunteering to let someone kick something off your head should probably be the new IQ test. Forget all these paper tests and these math equations and your English ability and problem solving. If you can’t solve the basic problem of why you shouldn’t let someone kick something off your head, then you should have to repeat Kindergarten through whatever grade you’re in again.

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Maybe twice, I don’t know. But kicking stuff off people’s heads also a great way to gauge your relationship with that person. Whether it be friendship or boyfriend-girlfriend, because if a woman stays with you after you kick her in the head, that’s when you know she loves you. And how do you know if your man loves you, he doesn’t try to kick things off your head. It’s a pretty basic premise there. You know, ‘Honey, I love you. I respect you. I’m not going to make you put an apple on your head and try and kick it off. Because I don’t want you to live the rest of your life counting two potatoes.’ It’s pretty, pretty simple folks.

So, if you get tired of kicking people unconscious, especially your loved ones, you could always move on to breaking bricks and boards. How hard is it? Well, if you’re this guy it’s not very hard apparently. Yeah. Well, let’s just watch the clip.

TV Presenter:

“To be honest I actually felt these bricks. These are real bricks. I mean there’s no dope. Oh! Oh! Wow! Check it out baby. Guns!”

Martial Artist:

“Guns! How the hell did you do that?”

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You know that old saying, ‘Sticks and stones will break my bones.’? Yes, yes! They actually will. And these next people prove my point.

(Video of martial artists breaking planks with their head and hands)

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But if you really want to learn how to break through stuff, just watch Russian Cops. They know how to do it. They don’t mess around.

Okay, so, even after watching all these epic martial arts fails, you’ve decided, ‘Hey I still want to learn this ninja stuff’ So, here is the perfect training video from Grandmaster Bulls**t. And he’s going to…” (Makes a kung fu sound)

He’s going to show you how to do stuff like that. The video keeps getting better. Here he is doing the electric boogaloo or the samba, I don’t know. I don’t know what the shoulder…

(Imitates the instructor and his students)

‘Attack my shoulder. Fail! Attack it again.’

‘Oh, your shoulder is so tough. Master. Oh, I cannot get your shoulder.’

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And of course, the most important technique is the, ‘Pull my finger’. Down for the count. Yeah, if you don’t know the, ‘Pull my finger’ joke then that will be lost on you. But this video keeps going with more nonsense, it’s amazing.

(Imitates the instructor and his students)

‘Here, grab my arms. See, you can’t move it. Now if I put magic Yoda energy into…yes. Electric boogaloo. Now touch my arm.’

‘Uh, I can’t.’

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See that’s incredible. And that’s real life. That’s got to be real. Doesn’t it? He’s one slippery mofo. Oh, the rock-a-bye-baby. He’s giving him the rock-a-bye-baby. Go to sleep. Anyway, yeah, this guy…it’s…just when I was about to turn off the video, that happened. A little tap dance. Tippy tappy. Tippy tappy.

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Okay. Well, anyway, so if you’re not into this guy and learning what he has to teach you, don’t worry, everyone knows teaching yourself is the best way. And homeschooling is the best way, so, uhm. What you need to do is be adopted by a Russian man and he will set up soccer balls hanging from the house. Sorry, I got a bit of the giggles today. Just watching this stuff is pretty fun. Anyway, so to send you all off, I’m going to play this Russian home training video with some Polka music. Because I think it’s, for some reason it just seemed kind of like a polka dance they were doing instead of doing any kind of fight training.

(Video of Russian Home Training playing.)

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As always, thank you so much for checking out the video. I really appreciate it.




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