10 Favorite Things:

“Hello YouTubers and YouTubettes! When Weng Weng appears on your screen, you know it can mean only one thing. I’m about to roundhouse kick your mind with some more MMA or as I like to call it, Moronic Martial Arts.

Last Kung Fu roast featured a man named Tom Cameron. He used a thing called sound projection to decimate other human beings. So, I dug up a little more info on the guy and he’s been around for a while, slathering as much bullsh!t on the world as his big sausage fingers allowed. So, let’s check out a bit more about him.”

News Reporter from W/N NEWS:

“Cameron says hitting the pressure points confuses the brain’s electronic signals and that’s what brings people down. Now he’s actually working on touchless knockouts. Says he’s focusing his energy so hard it can knock a man down. Cameron isn’t bringing people to their knees, he’s a security guard.”

News Reporter from FOX Chicago:

“He’s more than just a martial arts master. Though, he’s one of only a handful of experts here in the United States trained in Dim Mak. It’s a highly guarded centuries-old secret in which you use pressure points to disable an attacker.”

Tom Cameron:

“If I go here and touch there, the legs go out.”

News Reporter from FOX Chicago:

“So, he has time to try it on someone other than his students, like us.”

Tom Cameron:

“Got you scared. Relax. I’m not going to hurt you.”

News Reporter from FOX Chicago:

“He refused to try the touchless knockout on me saying he thought I may get hurt. Instead he used a light tap technique to affect my nervous system.”

(Tom Cameron tries it on the news reporter)

News Reporter from FOX Chicago to Tom Cameron:

“Wait you just hit me in the head.”

News Reporter from FOX Chicago:

“We were less than stunned by this stunt guns demonstration. So, we had Tom try it again on jujitsu students at the Extreme Fit Plex, downtown.”

Tom Cameron:

“Do you feel any light-headedness at all?”

Jiujitsu Artist:

“Not really.”

News Reporter from FOX Chicago:

“And once again, the results were less than stunning. Tom says only about 40% of people are susceptible to touchless knockouts.”

10 Favorite Things:

“But Tom’s hardly a one-dimensional man. Oh, no, no. He’s very talented. He also enjoys belting out a tune. I think he has an eighth-degree black belt in karaoke where he uses sound projection to destroy eardrums.”

10 Favorite Things (Mocking Tom Cameron Singing):

“To fart, the unsmellable fart. To eat, all the things that I can. To grow, a mustache tree.”

10 Favorite Things:

“Well, that’s about all the Tom Cameron I can force upon anyone to digest in one sitting. That was a lot of Tom. I apologize. So, let’s move things along.”

“Now you could only attend this special self-defence class if your name is Skeeter, own at least one shirt that has a fart joke on it and have a minimum of two relatives who are related to each other multiple times over and in different ways.”

(Mocks the Skeeter guy)

“Hmm, at our French fried potaters, mmm. We eat mustard.”

“So, let’s see what master Skeeter has to teach the other Skeeters.”

Fake Martial Arts Trainer:

“For now, what happens is when I activate this point, holder main signals, both his arms, feels like cold water. When I activate this point, I’m up to half of me. Now, once I touch the point behind the ear, I’m up to 750,000 but the ganglion will only hold 600,000 impulses. Till you get a neurological overlook and your logical overload is what we’re experiencing. So, if we light this up, hit it down, hit the point in, come up…”

10 Favorite Things:

“So, basically the trick is this. If you find yourself fighting a mannequin or a person frozen in time, you first massage their wrists, slowly move up the arm and tickle their elbow and then finish them off with a sucker punch behind the ear. I’m not really sure why he doesn’t skip the arm shiatsu and go straight to the goodnight Irene. All that foreplay just seems like a little bit of a waste of time.”

“What can I say about this bag and flower in a bathrobe that is portly frame and French Fry smell and mustache don’t already say? Here he’s shown everyone how to use ninja magic to stop a punch. Whoa! I’m guessing the only punch this guy could handle is a fruit punch and even then, I’m a bit skeptical. As you can see all these energy masters are of the absolute highest character and they only use their magic for good. And kudos to them because if I had all that power, I’d be making people’s heads explode and pulling money out of ATM machines and doing all sorts of crazy stuff. I basically…I would rule the world. I’m not kidding. That’s what I would do.”




10 Favorite Things:

“But alas, it seems like these energy masters all they want to do is eating and maybe do some LARP on the weekends. I’m not sure.”

“What do you do when you are a family of martial artists and you don’t own a saw? Why, you just use a child to cut the wood. That’s it. That’s it. I’m throwing away all my tools apparently kids are the new Swiss Army knife. And what if he does a crappy job cutting wood? Why it’s punishment time. And how do you punish a martial artist? You break rocks on their head and make sure that they have a bald spot for the rest of their life. There you go Friar Tuck, enjoy. Or you ground them by plopping 700 pounds of brick on them. Well, I hope this spear in your neck taught you a lesson Billy.”

“This is the brand-new show called Silligans Island. It’s about a bunch of morons who wander away from an all-inclusive resort and they’re too stupid to find their way back. They end up humping coconuts and develop a magical self defense in case any locals tried to sell them cheap merchandise. The end game to all this Snuffleupagus has decreed some sort of magical force field bubble bullsh!t. Now energy bubbles are very similar to bathtub fart bubbles in that they’re kind of fun to do, but in the end they just stink. But let’s see how their energy bubble holds up to the ultimate test.”

10 Favorite Things:

“Yep, just as I suspected. Just another fart bubble tickling their Brown Winker stinker. Now you know you’re getting fleeced by a con man when he’s more concerned about keeping up the illusion of what he’s selling than he is with the fact that he just knocked someone out. Damn, would you look at that. He ran into her so hard it looks like she’s trying to stop her sphincter from falling out. You know you’re in some kind of special pain when you start clenching your turd cannon like you found a mitt full of money. Christ she’s going to be crapping tears for a while.”

Fake Martial Arts Trainer:

“Where the fuck were you guys?”

10 Favorite Things:

“Where were you guys? Man where were you? Uh, getting the hell out of the way idiot. Like I love how he’s blaming all of it on his students. He’s the teacher and it’s like, oh yeah, I just tracked down this lady but why didn’t you guys stop me. Because your energy bubble is supposed to work. That’s why.

10 Favorite Things:

But if you think magic force fields are just for giving drama teachers an excuse to run over middle-aged hippie chicks, you’re completely wrong. They’re also amazingly ineffective with edged weapons as this kung fu expert will demonstrate. Here he is prepping his arm with invisible fairy dust and since he’ll be cutting into his left arm, I’m going to assume he’s a right-handed delusional idiot. Let’s see if his pixie dust did the job. And as the song goes…”

10 Favorite Things:

“Can we get a bandage? A bandage? Anyone please? And maybe a surgeon who specializes in reattaching severed arteries and nerves.”

“Meanwhile back at the Avengers Academy, Junior Superheroes are learning how to disarm a gunman in only twenty-three very specific exact precise moves. Now y’all heard of the Black Panther or the Black Lightning? Well, this guy is more like the Black Hamster or perhaps the Black Drizzle.”

Fake Martial Arts Instructor:

“The opposite or the nearest leg you can get for me because this gun is over my left shoulder and like I tell you guys always in class, you immediately attack the side with the gun. Both hands on the gun. Hook this lady. See that. Rock, pan, here turning the pinky up and keeping the gun away. You just want to break your fall what he did. You’re not going to stop. You want to continue moving here. Drop your knee on the point, turn the weapon in from him. Now, what you want to do, look where the pistol is, look where your legs are. When you turn him like this, he’s going to be shooting the whole time, you want to drop him so you cannot get the weapon off. But in reality, what happens is my drive here puts his stomach here and I’m on the other side. I’ll be on the other side. I’m covering my way to put my weight back so it he’s okay. I turned the gun down. I dragged the back of his knuckles against the concrete and pressed against the wrist which forced him to release. Oftentimes this hand will try to regain the gun. Try to regain the gun. That’s why you’re able to drop this knee on his head. Oh, snap back. This gives you the finger no luck. See how my finger is on the trigger to shoot you. All right. Well, I’ll just beat you with this gun, being right here like this, driving off into the Mojave which again keeps you completely clear of all of his weapons. But that was a combat viable technique. It is not just flash.”

10 Favorite Things:

“This last clip is probably the most effective martial arts technique ever forgetting YouTube views. First hire a fit and attractive model to stand around and pretend she’s interested in martial arts. Secondly, well, that’s pretty much it. It’s a one stepper and you just hire some girl in spandex to stand around and giggle while you practice martial arts on her and watch the views come in.”

Fake Martial Arts Instructor:

“I’m holding your shirt or choking you. You’re stepping backwards. Left leg goes back. Right hand goes rotation with the elbow counterattack, counterattack. Hold for any…that’s quick. One, two, three counterattacks. Yeah!”

10 Favorite Things:

“So that’s it, you gaggle of YouTube ninjas. That’s it. That’s all for this edition of moronic martial artists. I hope you enjoyed the video…”




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