The transcript below is from the video “Steven Seagal: The Silliest Fibber” by slazzechofe.

Aidan Cornstalk:

Welcome to the Satellite. Today, I’m going to be talking about Steven Seagal and it’s pronounced Seagal. For some reason, there’s been some confusion online. I’ve seen about the pronunciation of his last name, so I’m here to help. It used to just be “seagull” like most Jewish families pronounce it because yes, he’s half Jewish despite his attempts to hide it, until he encountered an exhibit by Belarusian artist Mark Chagall which is professionally known as pulling a Christian. So yeah, that’s about it. Thank you for watching the video. I hope this was helpful. And what’s that? You want to hear more about his character through comic veneers of foolish misdeeds? Well, if you have the time for it.

Aidan Cornstalk:

Hey Greg, meet Steven. He was born in Lansing, Michigan, in 1952 and today, he’s a 70 year-old-man posing for photographs in a Russian war camp. In the seven decades he’s been alive, Seagal secured his place in the history of books as one of the silliest, dumbest liars, the clown of Hollywood, and for good reason. Here he is lying about growing up in a rough environment when he was, as I said, born in Lansing, Michigan.

Although Seagal likes to paint himself as an urban street kid whom the Fullerton youth saw as some kind of crazy gangster. Pat says her son was frail and suffered from asthma. He was a party kid back then, she says, but he really thrived after the move from Michigan.

Aidan Cornstalk:

In fact, following his lead in any interview is a huge mistake as he only says whatever he thinks to be most impressive at the time. He’s run into a lot of problems over his life as a result of bending the truth, including severing ties with fellow big name Hollywood Executives and martial artists. In a particularly notable example, here’s a look into his relationship with martial artist and actor Michael Jai White who looks like this at age 55 and famously looked like this in the 1997 film Spawn.

Michael Schiavello:

Who’s the most legitimate Hollywood tough guy in your opinion? Michael Jai White?

Steven Seagal (Actor, Screenwriter & Martial Artist):

Can I laugh in your face?

Michael Schiavello:

Really?

Steven Seagal (Actor, Screenwriter & Martial Artist):

Yes. Do I think Michael is a tough guy? No.

Michael Jai White (Actor, Director & Martial Artist):

When we did the fight scene, Steven Seagal was very nervous. This is the truth. He was very very nervous and I swear to you he barely even wanted to touch me and I basically said to him, look, I’m not doing that sh*t, okay. That’s not me.

Steven Seagal (Actor, Screenwriter & Martial Artist):

I think I can be very funny. Everyone who knows me thinks I can be very funny.

Arsenio Hall:

They just got a date for you to do Saturday Night Live to host it?

Steven Seagal (Actor, Screenwriter & Martial Artist):

Apparently.

Arsenio Hall:

Have you ever done comedy?

Steven Seagal (Actor, Screenwriter & Martial Artist):

Yeah, I used to do stand-up …

Arsenio Hall:

Stop.

Steven Seagal (Actor, Screenwriter & Martial Artist):

It’s a joke. That’s the first attempt to comedy right there and I failed so maybe I better not do the show.

Aidan Cornstalk:

Due to Hollywood just being the way it is, one of the most pronounced character flaws Steven Seagal has is not being able to take a joke. Steven has a problem being the butt of a joke and always seems to be on the defensive when it comes to his masculinity. At 64 Steven not only had the looks at a young age but also spoke fluent Japanese after spending time learning Aikido and his mother-in-law’s Japanese Dojo. Early in his Hollywood career, there was credibility to his machismo but his inability to self-reflect often leaves him oblivious to those laughing at him. So yes, people do think he’s funny. I think he’s hilarious but not in any way that he actually attempts to be funny. His facade of the stoic street heart and gangster is a construction of his mind and hardly has any foundation to stand on in reality. He’s just goofy.

Steven’s skit ideas I think are important to understanding what’s really going on in that walnut of his. He believes in his own performance so much, he’ll completely override SNL of all things to make it a stage to demonstrate his manliness.

Aidan Cornstalk:

Not a great guy, not a good guy, pretty ugly stuff for a deep down ugly man and to make matters even worse, Steven has more accusations of SA than pairs of piss peepers.

Jenny McCarthy:

I went into an audition and wore a long Mumu type dress so he could pay attention to my eyes. So when I went an audition, he asked if I would lower my dress because my dress was too baggy. And I said no and he said, well, there’s nudity in this movie. And I said no, there’s not. I asked my agent and there’s no nudity. And he said there’s off camera nudity.

Aidan Cornstalk:

Starting in late October, high profile actresses, including Portia de Rossi, Jenny McCarthy, and at least four others, all came forward saying Seagal had been sexually inappropriate with them.

Two more women are coming forward today claiming actor Steven Seagal sexually assaulted them.

He closed the door and approached me from behind…

Aidan Cornstalk:

Rianne Malone one of four women hired by Warner Bros is to serve as Seagal’s personal assistance is in the bathroom of his trailer, brushing her teeth. Strickland watches as Seagal begins loudly calling for Malone saying he needs her immediately. She merges still brushing your teeth. Gee, Raeanne, says the man of honor and protector of the weak. You look like that when I come in your mouth.

In May 1991, all four assistants – Malone, Nicole Sellinger, Christine Keever, and another woman quit because of Seagal’s continuing piggery. Three of them threatened to bring sexual harassment charges against him. Malone and another of the women, in return for a pledge of confidentiality, are paid in the vicinity of $50,000 each.

Aidan Cornstalk:

This excerpt from expose piece done by Spy magazine in an incredibly timely 1993 article. Allow me to dramatize further the lies and realities the author John Canole brings to light. The star is mouthing off about one Gary Goldman, an ex-mercenary with whom he was collaborating on a screenplay the previous year. The two that are falling out over money and screenplay credits and Goldman and revenge has written a letter to the Los Angeles Times exposing Seagal’s supposed intelligence background as a tissue of exploitative lies. This has made the tough guy very unhappy. Seagal gets around to the point of the meeting pulling out of a drawer a confidential profile of Goldman assembled by private investigators. Strickland, long aware that Seagal can be hot-headed, finds this something of an overreaction to his squabble over a screenplay. But the dossier is peanuts compared to what happens next. I’d like you to do me a favor, says Mr. Ovitz fair-haired boy, reaching under the table and pulling out an attach a case, I’d like you to kill Gary Goldman. He opens the case. It contains $50,000 in cash. All the stuns Strickland can say is you’re crazy. If you won’t do it, Strickland recalls him saying, get someone who will. Pay him what you want and keep the rest.

Aidan Cornstalk:

That article also details Seagal’s more personal lies like when he tried to claim that he at one time was a Navy SEAL to Gary Goldman, who was never whacked, by the way. But after being invited to go treasure hunting off the coast of Barbados, Seagal began to panic in rough water and “was sure he was going to die and all that crap”. Then after being brought safely aboard and given the map and compass, claimed he was autistic with numbers after proving he was unable to read the instruments. He probably just meant the R word but was too stupid to know that. But maybe he is just bad with numbers. Take for example how poorly he did the math on the draft lottery.

Aidan Cornstalk:

Back in 1974, the Vietnam War was on and in order to rally able-bodied population, young men were given a draft lottery based on their birthday. The math goes on calculate the odds of you being drafted as a ticket labeled 1 to 366 with lower numbers being called first. Seagal got 194, a very safe number and was still scared enough to move to Japan and marry a Japanese woman in order to chase away selective service. That woman, Miyako Fujitani, would be Steven’s first wife and recounted the time that they met as Steven following her from a trip to California back to her family dojo in Japan. This Dojo would later be claimed by Seagal as his own, even going so far as to state that the Fujitani facility was his property and that he was the first white man to own a dojo in Japan.

Aidan Cornstalk:

This is where delusions of Yakuza involvement begin to sprout up, by the way. He makes claims to have physically fought them off in front of the dojo, while his wife refutes this by saying that he at most chased away some drunks in front of the gate once. Even the claim of him physically fighting the offenders is laughable, as fujitani continues by revealing that Steven only received his black belt nankito after the infamously sleepy judge dozed off in the middle of his test. The judge simply conceded the black belt to Seagal and he’s never officially competed to prove his rank. What a hero!

Oh, and after having children with Miyako Fujitani and then stealing her life savings, Seagal reportedly hightailed it out Japan and back to Hollywood in 1980. And then four years later, he married another woman. Oh and then one year later, he fell in love with a model, flew back to Japan in order to see her and married her after knocking her up first. And notice, at no point I said he divorced any of these women. That’s because for a while he just didn’t. He just leapfrogged from honeymoon to Honeymoon, which when I describe it like that sounds like Super Mario Galaxy instead of the reality of it resembling Leisure Suit Larry. Anyway, he’s on his fourth wife now, Erdenetuya Batsukh and he has seven children. What a guy!

Aidan Cornstalk:

He’s out in Russia right now, somewhere around Ukraine bouncing around the occupied territory like he and his Navy SEAL Team came and personally tortured POWs, looking tough, big guy.

Hey thank you so much for watching the video. I hope you enjoyed it. I put a little bit more effort into this one and I’m hoping to kind of keep this at as a minimum amount of effort from now on with these videos. I can produce some like you know relatively quickly at, writing them is mostly the obstacle. Yeah, I had fun making this video. If you liked it, let me know down in the comments below or with a like. It’s silly but it’s that’s really the measurements that I use to understand what is worth engaging with when I write these kinds of videos. So yeah, let me know if you enjoyed it. I hope you did and I hope whatever video you have next that’s gonna auto play is also going to be enjoyable. Here’s to whatever’s next. Drum roll, here it is.