TotallyPointlessTV:

In this episode of fake martial arts masters we take a look at martial arts fails, from tai chi to no touch knockouts

Fake Martial Arts Master 1:

“Working with new techniques. You see coach tucker here he’s been working with George Dillman on his no-touch knockouts and throws. He’s doing a great job. He’s been able to render even the strongest of athletes in mobile.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Hello everyone and welcome back to another Totally Pointless video and another fake martial arts master destroyed. I’d like to apologize in advance. I know my face is in the video and I know that some people don’t like that, but at the end of the day content either evolves or it gets stagnant. So, let’s not waste any more time. Let’s check out this week’s fake martial arts masters.”

Fake Martial Arts Master 2:

“I’m going to show you a no-touch knockout. Anger and intent play a big part in this. We also have tapes available for revival and more advanced no-touch or energy tapes as well. So, in this segment I’m going to show revival at the end, right now I’m going to do a no-touch knockout. This takes intent and takes some, uh, if you’re going to try this at all at some point in time, you would need an instructor, qualified instructor and have somebody there to guide you along. This is not something you just want to try on your own.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“You think that they take the time to at least find a take where; A: He gets the words out without sounding like a scared kid about to have his lunch money taken and B: They don’t have Darth Maul beside him pacing up and down.”

Fake Martial Arts Master 2:

“So, anger intent plays a big part of this. So, I’m going to be using energy to do this knockout.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 2 makes a funny noise with his mouth.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“(Laughs) Oh, he makes the (makes a funny sound with his mouth) to himself.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 2 continues to make a funny noise with his mouth.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“An intro for the X-files. That just lowers all legitimacy. If you have to add your own sound effects like it’s the f*cking dinner for Schmucks, surely you keep making something up.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master shows his technique.)

Assistant to the Fake Martial Arts Master:

“Leave him down. Leave him down. Leave him down. I don’t even know how much I got on tape.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Who’s this f*cking…think she knows. ‘No, don’t ever get him up. Let him die.’”

Assistant to the Fake Martial Arts Master:

“Spencer, help him up.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Does he; A: Slap him on the back of the neck, B: Slap him on the back of the neck, or C: Slap his balls in the back of his neck. Let’s find out. It’s always the same sh*t every time.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master tries to revive a student from an unconscious state)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“It’s bulletproof. It works every time. Imagine if you had erectile dysfunction and she looks down and she’s like, it’s not working today and he’s like, well, you best believe it’s going to work.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master continues to try to revive a student from an unconscious state)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“I feel a lot better if you stop slapping my f*cking dome and weren’t trying to grab up on my man titties. Thank you very much.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master manages to revive a student from an unconscious state.)

Assistant to the Fake Martial Arts Master:

“I don’t even know if I got the beginning of the knockout.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Now it won’t come as a surprise to anyone that he wasn’t actually using chi power. They were using shared bald energy which is a thing in the bald community where you just, if you’re a bald man and there’s another bald man, you just lock powers and you instantly know what the other one’s thinking and you are actually able to shut down their body just through you know, the tip of the old dome that’s your bald power.”

(Background music as a video showing people fake fainting and fake convulsing plays.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Did you see him look down at her like, ugh, ugh, don’t overdo it, come on we’re all in this for a bit of the dollar-dollar but you’re embarrassing yourself. He looked down like, ugh, if you slap me one more time.”

(Background music as a video showing people fake fainting and fake convulsing plays.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“If this video proves one thing, it’s that the female orgasm is a myth.”

(Background music as a video showing people fake fainting and fake convulsing plays.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Ugh, ugh, ugh. Its embarrassing isn’t it. I mean I get second-hand cringe, just from watching those. Imagine being one of those dudes, huh, embarrassing. I mean you put a bit of funny happy music over it, it’s this fun cute sort of embarrassing thing, you put a grey filter on that, a little bit of horror music, you got yourself a scene right out of ‘The Exorcist’. It’s embarrassing. They should all be embarrassed. That’s my technical opinion. You can quote me on that.”

(Background music as a video showing people fake fainting and fake convulsing plays.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Speaking of horror stories, this next person was recommended to me at 2am. I received an email from a P.W asking me had I seen this man. That’s a good way to fill me in on fake martial arts, people. I really like that it’s kind of like I’m in a sort of conspiracy or something like that. If you want to up your information giving game, wait till I’m taking a sh*t in a public stall and then just slide a folder under the cubicle saying, ‘Have you seen this man?’ Perhaps like a classified on the front of it. But no, jokes aside, thanks for sending this guy in. He crazy.”

(Video of Fake Martial Arts Master 3 showing different styles.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Give him the right music and this dude can groove. I wouldn’t want him on my fight squad. If I wanted to go to the club and have a little boogie, he’d be one of the first guys I asked.”

(Video of Fake Martial Arts Master 3 showing different styles.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“It’s supposed to be the praying mantis. It looks a bit more like the praying mantis disabled cousin, The Crying Francis.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

So, this video clip is actually quite interesting because it relates back to the famous Xu Xiaodong. People will know him if you’ve been watching my videos, but he actually challenged this Chi master to a fight. He accepted. And after Xu Xiaodong traveled all the way there, he reportedly had his wife call the police on him, enforcing Xu Xiaodong to go away. Now that’s unconfirmed information. That’s just the background I heard about this. It’s almost unimportant because the guy gets very quickly debunked as a Grand Master in this fight. So, let’s see how it plays out for him.

The guy on the left is the grand master as you can tell by his all-white gown which signifies skill. And the one on the right is the challenger and he looks significantly younger than him but there’s only actually 10 years difference, I mean. I mean he kind of looks like a guy who works at Walmart, you know. He doesn’t look like tense fighter, but I feel like that’s always the case with these exposed master videos. It’s never these big burly fighters or these champions that go there and take them down. It’s just your average Joe’s. Which I think really punctuates just how useless their skills are in an actual fight.

(Xu Xiaodong fights against a Chi Grand Master)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Oh, boy. That didn’t work out too well for you. I mean you got to feel a little bit sorry for him. He’s so delusional. He actually believed he would win in a fight when he clearly doesn’t know how to fight, okay. I mean, maybe his martial art is, uh, you know, one that looks good or one that’s about training the body and the soul and that’s fair enough. But, let me tell you what you shouldn’t do in that situation. You shouldn’t claim you can beat up other fighters and you definitely shouldn’t show up to get your ass handed to you by a bloody Walmart worker. Embarrassing, incompetent. That is the entire fight there. It ends there. Uh, he, he basically annihilates him. There’s just, it wasn’t a fight. There was no fight there. He just abolished him.

‘a/fakemartialarts’ Thank you everyone who’s been uploading. If you haven’t already, please be sure to go check out that Reddit. If you have a video that you think is funny or a fake martial artist you want to see me talk about in this series, go over to the subreddit, put the link there and then maybe I’ll talk about it in one of my videos. I really do appreciate everyone who uploads. It helps me make these videos, so, thank you very much. Let’s see what you’ve uploaded in the week that I’ve been away.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 4 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 4:

“This way he is losing his power.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Damn, the day being a fat sh*t becomes a martial art, McDonald’s will be giving out black belts.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 4 showing his techniques.)

TotallyPointlessTV:

“The boy’s so big, his titties got gravitational pull. Clamp onto those asteroids, he locks you in and then he f*cking flings you to the next galaxy. That really is a martial art skill. Be immovable. Not by technique, not by skill, but by genuine gravitational pull.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 4 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 4:

“This movement is sufficient for you. Your body finds the spot that you can hit.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Hold up, hold up, hold up. You’re telling me the trick is to just hit them with a right hook. My God, Anthony Joshua, are you a martial arts expert?”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 4 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 4:

“Take advantage of the distance and position.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“(Laughs) How is this a video?”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 5 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“…to boxing. So, what would a tai chi person do against the boxer? And I have my boxing friend here, Eric Delgado and what are three really good weapons that boxers can use?”

Eric Delgado (Boxer):

“Number 1, your jab. Number 2, your straight right. And your left hook.”

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“So, what’s the example of a jab? So, it’s a good jab.”

Eric Delgado (Boxer):

“Right here.”

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“How about this straight right?”

Eric Delgado (Boxer):

“Here.”

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“How about the, uh, the left hook? Breathe out. In, out. In, out. So, I taught my tai chi class earlier today, nobody in this class I taught today was interested in the combat.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“You want some advice from Papi Pointless? If you’re going to take advice on fighting, don’t take it from someone who looks like he’s in one of those, uh, Bitcoin adverts you get on YouTube. You know when you’re loading up an advert and there’s a smug looking piece of sh*t laying back in his grandmother’s chair like, ‘Yo, be like me. I invested in Bitcoin at the age of 12 and now my dick’s 15 inches long.’”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 5 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“Watch. I’m going to be my 45-degree step in this way. And then I move my hands like I just did for part the horse’s name inside to the ribs.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Oh, you’ve done it. He f*cking done it. If you’re going up against a boxer, a boxer who knows how to fight and your f*cking power play is to miss one punch and give him a little slap on the pecs? You will be in trouble.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 5 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“Inside, park the horse’s mane to the ribs. Again, turning in park the horse’s mane maybe even both hands. One more time, turn in, hurt the horse’s mane. I always want to be close enough that I don’t have to reach for him and throw my butt out. Or reach under my toes. Always have good, uh, distance from my opponent. So, I’m in tight for all these strikes. Again, side-step, slip, straight to the ribs. The second part of this video is going to cover fudge…”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“Well, let me tell you that’s really effective when the man gets so frightened by the titty slap that he freezes up on the spot like a little armadillo type thing. But when you’re going to be in a lot of trouble, my friend, is when you’re fighting someone who doesn’t throw one punch in freezing time because when someone comes back around with that right hook to your temple after you’ve flicked his nip, you’re going to be an inner spotted bother.”

(Fake Martial Arts Master 5 showing his techniques.)

Fake Martial Arts Master 5:

“First strike, fighting. Again, slip it, inside this way. Again, slip it.”

TotallyPointlessTV:

“The day someone punches one inch to the left, he’ll be in a coma for the rest of his life. Well, we’ve had a little bit of fun today…”




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